Sharing a bed with a loved one has benefits. Sleeping together can enhance your bond, your sleep, your health and your mood. It doesn’t always work out logistically. Snoring, restless legs, opposing sleep needs and bedtime routines can all hinder sound sleep.
If sleeping together disrupts you to the point that you are grouchy with your partner during the day and not feeling your best self, it’s worth taking a different approach. Clarity, communication and conversation can help you have your partner and your sleep.
Here are some steps to take when approaching this sleep concern.
Environment Tweaks
Use ear plugs and a sound machine to dampen noise
Set a no-screen policy for the bedroom
Install dimmer switches and use salt lamps to keep lights low
Get ready for sleep at the same time, even if one person is going to bed later
Identify any other ways to lessen the commotion when your partner is getting in and out of bed
Contemplate your sleep needs and stance
How much sleep do you need every night?
What time do you need to go to bed and wake up every day?
What are the pros and cons of bed sharing for you?
Would you be okay with separate beds?
How much can you alter your sleep routine?
Take out a piece of paper and write down your thoughts.
Discuss with your partner
Give your partner a heads up that you’d like to discuss your sleep routines and choose a time to do so. Ask him or her the same questions. Consider providing them ahead of time. This discussion might start on one day and finish on another. It could take some time to find a middle ground. You might be surprised about what you learn during this activity.
Consider separate beds
What do you sense in your body after reading those words? Lightness? Heaviness? Does it sound wonderful? Impossible? Harmful to your relationship? Do you hear your mother in law saying, “that’s a sure path to divorce”?
This can be a good option. A 2017 survey by the National Sleep Foundation found that almost one in four married couples sleep in separate beds. Over the past century, couples have delved in and out of bed sharing for health, status and family reasons. The mattress industry is working to meet these needs by designing beds that have separate sides with customized comfort for each person.
Sleep Reset
You could try separate beds for just a few nights to see how it feels for you before making it a routine. The first night or two might not be so great, because it is an adjustment for your body. So, give it a week if possible.
You could also choose certain nights that you do go to bed and wake up together. The only issue with this can be sleep association. If your body gets used to falling asleep with a partner and they aren’t there one night, this can make it tough to fall asleep. So, keep that in mind and reach out if you have more questions about this. It can be different for each couple.
Final Thoughts
Sometimes bedtime is the only time a couple has the opportunity to be close. Or, it’s just the unspoken time for physical intimacy. Separating the need for sleep and the need for intimacy might be necessary if you have other competing needs that cause them to be misaligned with bedtimes and rising times. It is possible to have a sex life and sleep life.
Talking all of this over and finding what works for the two of you will surely bring you closer in the end. If you need more support, reach out. I’d love to help.
If you’ve got kids in your bed, you can get help with that from my pediatric sleep friend, Myra.
Image from Chris Thompson on Unsplash.
